$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
