my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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