I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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