I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The cops high fived after they tackled you
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
