I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
