I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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