Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
