He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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