when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
