in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
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