Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
