Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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