Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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