party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
