i permit you to call me
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
