First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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