i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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