So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
