I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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