What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You're earring is so big in my mouth
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
