At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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