just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
