i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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