So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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