I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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