He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
