I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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