You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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