awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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