Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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