i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Mom said you looked used
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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