i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
