He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
