i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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