Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
