Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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