you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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