they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
