Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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