So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
