He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize