Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
