This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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