sarcasm needs its own font
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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