Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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