I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You don't make any sense
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