i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
