The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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