You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
