i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
