shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
