You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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