someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
