and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
