i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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