The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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