It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
