On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize