If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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