I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
