I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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