Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
